Honesty

Honesty is always a good place to start. Since this is my personal blog I am at liberty to say or write whatever I please. My point in having a blog was to try and focus on the positive happy uplifting moments of life that I would be thrilled to pass down generation to generation rather than my personal journal. However life isn't always easy, a walk in the park or filled with joy and happiness. Oh there are plenty of happy pictures and stories to tell but in between those pictures comes the growth, the trials, the obstacles, challenges, and the progress that takes us from one happy picture to the next which is why for the most part I choose to endure. I strive to get to that next happy picture. However tonight, as I sit here, I feel very much alone. I miss my best friend terribly. Brandon moved out in February. I had asked for a divorce the June before and I do not know how to fix it. I don't know if I can fix it. I have shed too many tears and have had too many sleepless nights since then.  There has been a hole in my heart for the past few years as I have strived to figure out what more I could do to help our family and our marriage. I am exhausted. I miss things being normal. I have hoped and waited for things to change for the better and they have not. I feel as if my world has been turned upside down and finally I completely let go. I stopped trying so hard in December and focused on living again. Carla being so sick and passing away did not make matters any easier. Yet she inspired me to keep living. I don't know what happened to my world. I remember waking up in my home in Lehi thinking and believing we were living the "American Dream". A beautiful home with a white picket fence, 3 amazing boys, a husband I adored, and even a dog who was very much at the core of our family. Things weren't perfect but who would of thought that those memories would now seem but a dream. Don't get me wrong I love being in San Diego, I am home, I love being close to my family but did I have to lose my husband in the process? We already lost our home, left great friends, and came back to San Diego almost empty handed even our beloved dog died. Was this really part of the plan? I really wouldn't care where we lived if my family could be a family again. I have wrestled with the Lord since December asking even begging for guidance, for direction and counsel. Through it all, my boys have been extremely blessed and there have been many miracles that I cannot deny. I chose to pick myself up, dust myself off and just keep living. I reconnected with friends, took classes, focused on getting healthy and just started doing everything and anything that sparked some sort of life into my soul once again. I felt empowered, renewed and awake. I have learned so much over these passed few months, I found a strength within me that I didn't even know existed and the courage to take a stand for what I believe to be right. I have certainly made mistakes along the way and have plenty of bumps, bruises, and more heartache to prove it. I have never felt so completely dependent on the Lord for answers. The Lord has carried me through many impossible situations both physical and emotional and yet I find myself often doubting the answers I clearly received. I trust the Lord. I just don't have enough faith in myself... thinking that I must be deceived or misinterpreting these prayers. Why? Because on nights like tonight when the house is quiet and the kids are in bed ... I will soon find myself in bed with someone very special missing. I have been angry for a long time, resentful, bitter and deeply saddened by the events that have led Brandon and I to this point. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't have to see him several times a week. Its odd to treat your best friend as a stranger and have him do the same. With papers filed and a clock with the state ticking this marriage has ended and will legally end very soon. I felt completely at peace with my decision and was even given reassurance that it will all be ok however tonight I don't feel ok. Tonight I feel alone. Tonight I don't think there is anything I can do to have our situation return to normal. It takes two people and I am saddened to think we should of fought a little harder for each other. I must have courage and faith that Heavenly Father has another plan for me I even believed that clearly in December but now all I am left with are more questions that will not be answered tonight. I tell myself.... "no more tears Jackie, just try and sleep, you have 3 amazing boys to love in the morning" for now that has to be enough. So goodnight and here's hoping tomorrow will be a better and brighter day.

My new nephew

Gabriel Jack Green

Welcome to our family!

Congratulations to Tammy & Jeremiah!!!