A Year of decisions....

Its obviously been some considerable time since I last wrote any type of update on our family. A year has past. Its been a year of decisions, courage, strength, determination and once again sleepless nights. Overall, there has been tremendous progress made. Things I thought to be nearly impossible were possible. As soon as Brandon and I went together to file a marriage settlement ( or dissolution of marriage) I knew I had some decisions to make. I had given the boys my word that if daddy didn't turn things around within the year that I would return to school so I could work to provide for us. I did just that. We filed on Friday and I was in class by Tuesday. I attended Marinello Schools of Beauty enrolled in their Esthetician program. I went 5 days a week for 4 hrs each day. I worked harder than I had ever done previously in any college course. I had an exam just about every Saturday morning usually receiving a perfect score on each test. I graduated in May 27th. I took a few days off and began the Master Spa Therapist program which I should complete end of January. Mid June I went to L.A. to take my State Board examinations and passed. I am now a licensed Esthetcian. Though I wasn't planning on working until I finished my master program an opportunity fell into my lap and I am now employed at Massage Envy Spa in Eastlake working directly after school on Thursdays and Fridays and working all day on Saturdays. I went back to court to ensure that all 3 boys would be together whether with me or with Brandon. I knew that even though I would see them less that this was vital for their brotherhood and to have a relationship with their father. Initially when Brandon was asked to move out  I agreed to watch the children so he could focus on working giving him the time and opportunity to make significant needed changes. Now a year later we have equal joint custody and I made sure that he sees his children even though there hasn't been ANY noteworthy changes in his efforts to provide and I have seen very little child support in fact he has not even met the minimum requirement by law since the settlement. Since I am not receiving the funds promised to care for the children I have been very grateful to receive a small amount of cash aid from the government as long as I am meeting the requirements which is attending work or school 30 hrs a week. This is a tremendous help and I acknowledge that because just months before I wasn't receiving ANYTHING and I was quite panicked each day. Everything as far as effort that I wanted BRANDON to do I feel I did instead. I would of loved to see that type of commitment, dedication and even exhaustion come from him. But it simply didn't. Though he is still claiming that he is "trying" just about every month I get an excuse to why it is he cannot pay child support or contribute in any way once again. The story gets old. The story hurts. It hurts because I see his struggle and pain. He really doesn't want to continually disappoint me yet I NEED him to fulfill his responsibility. The money is needed however his lack of effort hurts, makes me feel so unloved and dismissed. The "I'm sure you will figure it out you always do Jacqueline."  is the very last thing I want to hear. I've learned this past year how strong I have become, with Heavenly Fathers help of course, but I don't want to HAVE to be strong, or courageous or determined. WHERE IS MY HERO???? Where is the guy who didn't just marry me "til death do us part" but was sealed to me for time and ALL ETERNITY. Who was going to be my partner, my companion who was going to make sure I was taken care of as I cared for him. Where is he????? What happened to him??? I have even told Brandon directly on several occasions, "If I am so wrong so deceived then COME RESCUE ME!!!" but he hasn't and I walk alone. And why after all I've accomplished this year mingled with fun times and thousands of happy pictures does it still HURT so very much!?!?!? Trying to cope with all this hasn't been easy. All I knew was that if I was having a good time then I couldn't feel the pain. So I thought of all the things that bring a smile to my face and I tried to squeeze them in whenever and where ever I could. Some things brought me GREAT joy and others where just a distraction a temporary fleeting moment where I could escape. My eyes have now been opened to so many beautiful possibilities but my need to make things right keeps me up many nights. I want to just wake up from this terrible nightmare and see that everything is at is should be. I have done everything in my power to help the boys feel safe, secure, loved, and that they have a strong sense of belonging and home. We have many heart to heart talks. Besides Jordan comfort food eating and gaining 30 pounds according to the Dr. they all seem to be doing better. We often pray to heal from the divorce. Sometimes I wish Brandon would have fought a little harder that instead of saying well "I now join you in this divorce" that he would of said "No, I'm not signing cuz dammit you are worth it to me!!!" During our separation he would make comments that he would do anything but there was no action behind it and words alone have no meaning to me anymore. How can you be so hurt by someone yet miss them? I guess because he and the children were my world day in and day out for almost 16 years. I ache when my children are not with me. And when they are and I see them sleeping especially when Noah falls asleep holding my hand they look so beautiful but at the same time my heart and mind screams out with tears "Im sorry" over and over and over again. At this time last year I was enjoying my birthday weekend in San Francisco with my mom. A stay at home mother, fit, confident, exploring the city with what seemed like a bright and hopeful future ahead. I had so much hope. Now I'm exhausted emotionally and mentally working so very hard and a bit out of shape wondering if there is light at the end of my tunnel. Work and school are wonderful, the kids overall are great a little insecure and clingy at times but great. I am now in a relationship so that should be great and happy too.Right?!? God knows I needed someone happy, full of positive energy, close to me. But my heart is still in a million tiny pieces. I go through the motions, I get the job done, I have moments of pure joy, I laugh, and have FUN, but my heart still hurts. Its like I need the Savior to wrap his arms all around me and say "I know its been hard but I forgive you and its all going to be ok. I havent forgotten you in fact I have been here the whole time and I wish you could just see the beautiful life I have planned for you." I NEED that GIANT HUG that warm embrace. I need that encouragement of "just keep going" but I am also not naive. I've experienced too much pain and I'm still feeling it. Sometimes I just want to hit this big pause button and say "hey lets just go to the beach like old times sit in the sun, play in the ocean, swim and do all of our favorite things" but I can't. So I continue to move forward. Though I love the Spirit I feel at church its hard for me to be there. It reminds me of our once eternal family. Its even worse at the temple. I feel this incredible peace but with tears that run down my cheeks I can't enter without thinking of the promises and covenants I once made there. I guess in closing I should say that on the outside I look so very happy, and many times I am having a happy moment, it looks like things are falling into place with my boys, school, work etc etc but simply put my heart still hurts and I try to fill my life with plenty of distractions so I don't feel the pain. A break from it all. I worry that my new found love which has been amazing may not be a long term blessing after all but a time to breathe and enjoy until I am stronger. The word "rebound" has been tossed around too many times for my liking and leaves a sour taste in my mouth but what if its true? There are more decisions that lie ahead but today I am just going to release all that I feel and "just be" maybe in the process of going through my typical day the answers will reveal themselves.