It's easy to love the good in someone. To see the amazing things they do...who they truly are but when those list of flaws and darkness creep through it can overshadow all that good. I have a list of my own flaws and weaknesses from established patterns of behaviors towards the one I love to jealousy,moodiness, and the like. I love too deeply and care too much. My ex husband accepted all of me no matter how wonderful or difficult I can be. It was me that was done. Dating and escape is fun but I want to share my reality, dark side and all, with someone. I'm generally such a happy easy going person who sees the good in everyone giving people who don't even deserve it a million chances. Yet I don't think I'm given those same chances, the benefit of the doubt. Etc. I am often surrounded by a sea of beautiful things and love is usually at the root of it whether its a gorgeous sunset, a bird balancing on the branch of a tree or simply my clients. I see this beauty this good. Peace. Joy. Happiness. In the busyness of work and school I can focus on the task at hand, go through the motions, and even give of my best. However if I hear a song in the distance that reminds me in the slightest of the pain, hurt, or rejection I have felt that happy world comes crashing down as it did today. I feel so overwhelmed its like I can't breathe. A wave of pain and loneliness hits me tossing me about in this uncontrollable mix of emotions. Clarity, purpose, drive, determination, security all vanish in an instant. I feel like all I want to do is forget the world and all the responsibilities and decisions that rest on my shoulders and fall asleep to the sound of the ocean. I feel like giving up. Like I can't tolerate another day in my situation. In this world of dark thoughts that I keep sheltered hidden and tucked away. I'm losing strength once again. The hard overwhelming days are coming closer together now and I don't know why. No matter how much I get used to my new rhythm and routine and no matter how happy I may temporarily seem on the outside. I'm still very angry. Very hurt. Very shattered and broken. To be continued.....
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