What I miss....

I really miss our home in Lehi. I think about it a lot. I miss it even more when things are not going well here. Sometimes I think we made a mistake, financially, by coming home to San Diego. Sure we are surrounded by family and friends and that part is wonderful but we don't have a place to call "home". Majority of our stuff is in storage since we could only bring a limited amount of things to my parents house. I never thought I would miss "stuff" but I do. When I want to bake I miss opening the drawers in my kitchen and having everything ready for me as it should be. I miss going to our game closet to pick out a Sunday game which is a tradition in our family. I miss scrap booking and having all my supplies organized and in one place. I miss sending our kids to play out on our enormous play structure in the backyard that now somebody else owns. I miss snuggling up on our comfy sectional couch to watch a Charger game or movie but somebody else bought that from us too. I miss my trees and flowers and wonder if the new owners of our house are caring for them like I use to. I miss the kids each having their own rooms that they can retreat to for some much needed down time. I miss our bath time routine at night. I miss looking out our windows and seeing the fresh fallen snow. I miss having birthday parties at our house -we had quite a rhythm down with plenty of fun.... and I miss AJ and really wish he had not of died this summer. He brought a little piece of Utah back to San Diego with us and carried us through this transition. I miss feeling settled and owning our own home. One really does spend years making it as comfortable and welcoming as possible. Its your sanctuary and now its gone. Sometimes I want to wake up and have everything be like it use to... but we are here now and it hasn't really gone as planned. Having very little money has also greatly limited our choices so I will add that... I miss having money. This year though filled with happy moments and plenty of fun pictures has been one of the hardest years we've had as a family. Though many have been generous we don't often hear the phrase "how are you doing?" "how are you guys coping" but rather "what are you going to do?" "why doesn't Brandon find a different job or make more money" and when we are completely relying on the Lord without exactly knowing how it will all work out we are still called into positions of leadership and influence at church. Its nice to be seen that way, as a strength, as someone they can rely on who can make a difference but people we need help, love, and support right now. The last thing we need is judgement, criticism or unrealistic expectations for what we are going through. Our strength is running out .... I need friends who will lift me up and help me see that brighter days can and will be in our future. I am hurting, not crying and desperate, but hurting to find a wonderful future in San Diego for our family. We need to find a home of our own so we can unite as a family, enjoy each other, and move forward. How can one progress when you don't even know where you are going to live, how you are going to pay the bills etc etc. Its been over a year since we have been here and though we felt strongly about coming here to open an office and be home I often doubt those feelings now and even think "oh , what have we done?!?!" I really hope things will improve soon. In the meantime I will try not to dwell on all that I miss. I am just eager for things to return to "normal" or at least feel a little "normal" if there is such a thing.